I hated porn, but I eyeballed it.
I hated overweight, and I became overweight.
I hated the know-it-all, because I knew it all.
I hated people who lived off the system, and I became one.
I hated happy people, and I grew miserable.
I hated excess, but I had lost control.
I hated the fast lane, but I “kept up with the Jones.”
My former spouse always wanted more, and I could not give it to her.
As I raced to perform and provide, attempting to measure up, depression soundlessly crept in like a black shadow over me.
I didn’t see its approach or feel its landing.
The dark shadow quietly become an uncomfortable – eventually painful – part of my life.
I accepted it as normal, because I was so busy trying to out-perform, over-provide and measure-up.
My focus became me being judged by myself and others to be always “good, not bad” and “successful, not lazy” and “winner, not loser” and “smart, not stupid.”
I rarely measured up as enough for anyone – especially myself.
For a few minutes at a time, when I met the measurements, I felt good.
The rest of the time I drank to climb out of the hell I lived day in and day out.
One exhausting “wonderful” achievement lead to the next higher peak to scale.
I saw no end.
I spiraled downward each time I used these measurements to give value to my life.
A little alcohol was my rope out of the dark depressive abyss.
When I could not longer see the rope in front of my face, more alcohol deadened my chronic pain.
For so many years, alcohol was a way of life.
It was the fuel to keep me moving forward overcoming the depression, anxiety, pain and grief of living a shallow – yet “productive” – lifestyle.
That was then. This is now.
I’ve made changes – some changes in surroundings and people, and most in my mind, heart and attitude.
Then I had it all, and it was never enough.
Now I have much less, and it miraculously appears more than enough.
Then I hated Love. Now I’ve found Love.
Then I hated myself. Now I have learned how to Love myself.
Then I hated life. Now I am learning to Love life.
I hated most every thing that kept me away from my love ones.
At the time, I felt everything stood between me and Love.
Now I see love around me.
I pull in Love instead of pushing it out with depression, anxiety and booze.