I hated drunks, then I became one.

I hated porn, but I eyeballed it.

I hated overweight, and I became overweight.

I hated the know-it-all, because I knew it all.

I hated people who lived off the system, and I became one.

I hated happy people, and I grew miserable.

I hated excess, but I had lost control.

I hated the fast lane, but I “kept up with the Jones.”

My former spouse always wanted more, and I could not give it to her.

As I raced to perform and provide, attempting to measure up, depression soundlessly crept in like a black shadow over me.

I didn’t see its approach or feel its landing.

The dark shadow quietly become an uncomfortable – eventually painful – part of my life.

I accepted it as normal, because I was so busy trying to out-perform, over-provide and measure-up.

My focus became me being judged by myself and others to be always “good, not bad” and “successful, not lazy” and “winner, not loser” and “smart, not stupid.”

I rarely measured up as enough for anyone – especially myself.

For a few minutes at a time, when I met the measurements, I felt good.

The rest of the time I drank to climb out of the hell I lived day in and day out.

One exhausting “wonderful” achievement lead to the next higher peak to scale.

I saw no end.

I stumbled.

I fell.

I spiraled downward each time I used these measurements to give value to my life.

A little alcohol was my rope out of the dark depressive abyss.

When I could not longer see the rope in front of my face, more alcohol deadened my chronic pain.

For so many years, alcohol was a way of life.

It was the fuel to keep me moving forward overcoming the depression, anxiety, pain and grief of living a shallow – yet “productive” – lifestyle.

That was then.  This is now.

I’ve made changes – some changes in surroundings and people, and most in my mind, heart and attitude.

Then I had it all, and it was never enough.

Now I have much less, and it miraculously appears more than enough.

Then I hated Love.  Now I’ve found Love.

Then I hated myself.  Now I have learned how to Love myself.

Then I hated life.  Now I am learning to Love life.

I hated most every thing that kept me away from my love ones.

At the time, I felt everything stood between me and Love.

Now I see love around me.

I pull in Love instead of pushing it out with depression, anxiety and booze.

Dave Gaber



2 Responses to ““Hated””

  1. Lori Swift says:

    And … Love to read your posts. Always look forward to them.

  2. Lori Swift says:


    This has become one of the most popular posts so far. The depth from which you share is strong, courage, brave and boldly honest. Thank you. Lori

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